went out to ye quarry today with deir. it was awesome, what else can i say? the water out there is so greenish blue. i wouldn't say we got LOST, but we DID take a few wrong turns, and walked by this big old horror movie cement-block house, and towards the other side of the jumping rocks....the water was SO CLEAR, you could see at least ten feet down, all these little black baby fish nosing around creepy old pipes and whatnot. beautiful. there's something about underwater that is so terrifying, it's like a total other world that needs nothing to do with the surface dwellers, nor does it want anything to do with us. like, old machinery crane pipes become slimy, murky, alive, like trees with algae treebark. i can't explain it i'm not really in the whole poetic mood thing.
dre and i talked about many things, i was glad, for though she and i are so doffing dissimilar, we DO make connections. sometimes they're harder to make than other times, today was easy. we had a lot to talk about. the conversations, they were plentiful and good. we talked a little about politics, and i realized "goh," sometimes one gets so wrapped up in the political bubble that....what's the point cause your sensibilities about beauty and balance are so caught up you can't FEEL them anymore.....hmmm...i'm not making much sense. i really do love deir, i missed her frankness and playfulness AND most of all her extremity. like, she's like no one else i have ever known, it's like a set of scales swinging wildly around in the wind to be with her. like, the best way to understand is to look at the inside of her car, and it's beautiful like her. actually i think most people would think i'm a retard for saying that, fuck all y'all you don't get it for SURE. like, homegirl (and she IS my homegirl, i'm not trying to be one of those white people who imitates black people because it's funny) came to my house to go swimming wearing her black bikini, a cut off homemade Jareth tank top and black vinyl snakeskin pants and black sandals and RED hair--B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. she is utterly beautiful.
dude, i SO feel like my thoughts are all off-point tonight. i can't explain what i mean at all.
it was cool to jump off the rocks, i wasn't as scared as i thought i would be, i sure as FUCK didn't go off the big 40 foot drop though. fuck that shit. there were so many people there; i'll do it one day. i feel pretty good about the self-conscious thing most of the time. today was a little----ehhhh....you know, fat girl in a bathing suit, the one thing you can't avoid. i'd rather be naked than walk around in a bathing suit in front of strangers who inevitably dislike you upon viewing. whatever. i left my short pants on, i have the right to my dignity, man. got a few weird looks for that since every other girl there was rocking a bikini. i don't really care THAT much about this parTICular incident really cause i had a DAMN good time and it's so beautiful out there. plus everybody has the common fear of being busted up by the five-o. also, it was weird that deir and me were like, the oldest people there. doesn't happen very often.
told her about seth on the way home. that's the weirdest thing, it puzzles me to no end, i swear. here's the scenario, Diary. (ha ha). i spent a weekend hanging out with him. he's great, as far as i can tell. he's perfect. i can't get enough of him, he's sweet, wiccan, an artist, vegetarian, loves good/sensitive music, is GLBT friendly, we TALKED about TRUE LOVE WITH each other. he was so awesome i can't STAND IT. GOOODDDD. the problem? i was relatively unattracted to him, mainly because he's a VERY large dude. and so i feel SO FUCKED in the head and spirit, cause me of all people should KNOW that people do that shit to fat people ALL THE TIME. all the fucking time, and...phew, i dunno. i mean, i KNOW people are beautiful, and i loved everything about the rest of him (as far as i know anyway)....and i was just not that attracted to him. so, do i get the superficial award? no more than the fucks that find my personality sparkling but my body intimidating, or ugly, or unattractive or scary or too goddess-like so it awakens an oedipal fear in all the boys and is too "terrible and beautiful" for the girls to handle, like Sheila-Na-Gig. fuck them, so i suppose i'm a fuck too. i'll just keep it pumpin' then. i'm just so fine it hurts to look at me, and THAT'S the truth. word. i think though that it's better to be honest with yourself and think "ok, i'm just not attracted to so-and-so" instead of living in delusion? right katie. we all have our delusions.
why am i listening to the crash test dummies? why do i like this song by them? what is wrong with me? we also talked about how i always wanted to be punk, not for the long-dead political vision and movement, just for the fashion and theater of it all. not some girly little punk bitch who carries around a caboodle and wears plaid miniskirts and shops at the mall and must refrain from swimming to maintain her elaborate hairstyle. like, a ruckusy, crusty-stiff black jeans, huge girl mohawk or greasy rat's nest or shaved head, and fuckin gtattoos yeah hell yeah!!!! getting in parking lot fights fucking assholes up beer-guzzling punk chick with, like, a baby from when i was 16 and got knocked up. it's my wishful-thinking alter-ego from 15 years ago. i fear that i will never be that tough. i'm my own kind of hardcore though, i feel, like the female kind that can stand strain-n-pain for a LONG time and handle their shit. i feel so much stronger after this year of school, especially this semester.
anyway, i'm going to danielle's to ??? pit bull-sit.
pace.
