phew, i have serious Guitar Wrist right now, i'm trying to learn "while my guitar gently weeps" which i have always loved, and paul simon and garfunkel's "leaves that are green," one of the few songs i like by them. there's this one part, the whole song is like a certain kind of poem to me, but anyway there's this one part where he sings about a lost love, and he says "hello, hello, hello, hello...goodbye goodbye goodbye goodbye". why i bothered to type that i don't know. but it's one of the most beautiful things i've ever heard, it's like he captures all the feelings of being in first love and the excitement and wow going crazy everywhere-ness, and gentle dancing, and it sounds all velvety (usuall i don't like his voice, it sounds like a munchkin on steroids, but here's it's gentle and delicate), lile the hellos are so innocent and fast and rapid and energetic, and the goodbyes in succession are so much, too, they are sad and graceful adn weighty, like forgiving and letting go, it all happens so fast, the most intense loves do ("once my heart had the love of a girl, i held her close but she faded in the night, like a poem i meant to write...."). and the guitar he plays is so HARD, but gentle, soft and understated like leaves floating down in a wind or something. jesis crist, do i sound like a teenage girl or what???

anyway, i feel like this about so much music. GOD i love music, all kinds. but i feel the most resonance with songs like that, where the lyrics and the tunes are inseparable, paul simon is a little wordy for me....but, that song i love for all the same reasons i love my favorite song of all time "christmas in prison" by john prine. i could hear that every day and still feel the glow. the PICTURES are so vivid in that song, "she reminds me of (among other things) a picnic in the rain after a prairie fire" "her name's on my tongue and her blood's in my stream". ohhohohoh...shivers. i get all wordy when i try to explain it....i really think lots of people feel this way about music but have more intelligent/eloquent ways of expressing it.....but i don't know many people who are ever interested in talking about music like that, just for the joy of talking about it. brian, he would say i think "what's the point of talking about it, it's music." he knows what he likes when he hears it, i guess. summer is obsessed with lyrics and what they mean. she's very literary, itdrives me nuts sometimes cause You Can't Separate the Music and the Lyrics, Dammit! i don't know, she's my best friend, and we have our own musical tastes, and some of them we share but i don't love the ones she'REALLY loves and she doesn't really like the ones i REALLY love. i got excited when she said she started getting into John Prine, she really likes Spanish Pipedream and i'm not overly fond of it...i don't know, i guess it was a little disappointing because she wasn't interested in talking about it. i should respect that, i guess, but it makes me feel boring. i'm no music hipster to be certain, i like som pretty dorky, outdated stuff that never was cool, i'm not much of a coolness pioneer nor am i an avid cd purchaser. but those i do own, i intensely worship and love. i can't just listen to music to "chill out", this is why jam bands drive me up the wall. and sometimes i HAVE to move, i can't sit still if the rhythm's crazy good. but recent;y when summer was over at my house, she mentioned she liked john prine and like i said about 7 times, i wanted to talk Prine, and i started to talk about how much i love certain songs, and why, adn what parts, and trying to explain what i love and share that feeling, and she, like, stopped listening, didn't care, nodded off to my droning. i dunno, it was disappointing. i thought she would be so excited, she LOVES to talk about lyrics, although sometimes i feel she can be one-sided with them, or accepts one interpretation, like she will say "what does that mean, that line there?" i'mlike "yo, i don't know, sis. don't know atall". maybe i went on too long about the wasy the music swivels around and his voice inflections mean blah blah blah, man that DOES sound kinda boring, who WOULD wanna listen to that? she can get very short with me if i take a long time to explain something. sorry, i do. my brain is wired in a roundabout way. actually, i consider it a gift in some ways because i can look at situations from multiple angles at once, or at least in rapid succession. so yes, a blessing for writing papers. i have NEVER written a paper in my life that was under required length. it's some weird psychological trap thing i set for myself.

and now i need to bitch about people who take 4 hours to get ready to go somewhere. mayyyyybe i haven't hung out with large groups of people in a while, but it's like, for every person who hangs out, you have to tack on an extra 25 minutes for their ass to get in gear or make a decision. so i want to go swimming, i am on a schedule, i have to attend yoga class and go to the hardware store. people who sleep during the day also drive me nutzzzz. i should not be judgemental, but those people who take like 3 hours to wake up, then another hour to shower and get going, and get dressed and THEN smear on makeup that they would look BEAUTIFUL GORGEOUS GODDESS-ESQUE without, THEN smoke like 17 thousand cigarettes, THEEEEN have to go get something to eaaaattttt, THEN we can hang out. not that i should talk, i show up 30 minutes late for everything. ok, got that off my chest, i'm just like "how can you SLEEP for 14 hours? it's bright as a motherfucking LEMON outside!!!" and people who shower everyday, eww. get a life, huh? there are better things to do than waste time and water. like lay around and be dirty and lazy, come ON. all right, that was for me to release my stress over these poor delirious souls, it's now abated a little. was that the right use of the word.

i hear from varying sources that kev's in town. i don't know what to do. i KNOW that if i call him, he will have to work me into his schedule. uggggh. i love kevin, and really i should grow up, adn it angers me that i can't be more mature, but i grow weary of being his part-time plaything, and as soon as i cease to be entertaining or "worthy of his time", he drops me like a hot potato. i would like to apologize for my use just now of the phrase "drop me like a hot potato". i really feel this way, though. like, we can never hang out, we can never just sing a capella opera in a bathtub together, or just hold hands on his bed and cuddle like we used to, we have to involve ourselves in some elaborate adventure involing 7 other people he's trying to please/not disappoint/ fit into his schedule. it's possible that i'm a time hog, that i'm greedy with his all-too-spare spare time. but he called me ONCE, MAYBE twice over christmas. he couldn't come to asheville, maybe i'm still a little upset over that. i just almost am afriad of the same passive-aggressive shit we go through every time we see each other. i dislike serving a purpose of role with him, i feel that if you're friends with someone you should accept that they won't always be beautiful or strong or entertaining or won't always liten prefectly or have the right things to say. sometimes your friends are about to start their periods and don't feel like listening to your shit again. maybe they are assholes sometimes, but they are your friends and you should call them mroe than once if you really want to see them. man, what a self-righteous night this is turning out to be. yoga tonight was hard and boring, adn the instructor's voice creeps me out BIGtime.

the world is a beautiful place this summer if you're in raleigh. i'm thankful for my family. hey, that reminds me, logan got accepted to State this afternoon, into the forestry program. he's gonna be Ranger Logan, which is pretty exciting, at least all his college apprehension is over and he'll be entering as a sophomore. rock on, logan, get your l-train going.

i still have a joint's worth of pot left before i need to get desperate and seek out creeps like justin and ashir. good guys, both of them, but every dealer's got a little bit of sketch in him for SURE, and that includes folks who hang out with dealers. i actually haven't smoked my own shit since i got to raleigh, my great desire is to go smoke a joint up on my sun-warmed gritty roof at night and hang out with the stars for a while, then walk out to the horse pasture, or maybe i should do it while i'm painting the house. my dad offered me 1500 bucks ot paint the trim. that's the suckiest job imaginable behind prostitute, roofer, and child laborer, but for a semester's rent i can handle that shit. besides, maybe i can rock tha headphones and get a killer sunburn in teh meantime if i can keep from burning off 5 layers of skin with that trisodium phosphate shit you have to use. Plus, i get to wear a cool SAFETY HARNESS, so i can paint the chimney and look like tha neighborhood asshole up there all strapped in and frying in the sun. ok, i'm going to walk ripley i think, i would like to get out of the house on ths excellent night. holla.