i was totally exhausted yesterday from painting out in the sun all day and then pulling a shift delivering pizzas. hey, there's a DKs song on now making fun of sid vicious, they said "hey, nancy! could ya wind up the key in my back? where are my cue cards?" i am thinking i find this so funny because i know little to nothing about punk. last night greg was working and put in super shit tape selections, the best of which featured phish, the dead and parliament. give me a break, bitter college student! i bow before your combat boots and jean shorts and backwards metallica hat! god, that's the most obscure bootleg i have ever heard, we clearly all enjoy the easy-listening quality of your stupid Load tape copy. gimme fuel, gimme fire, gregger!

anyway, i worry about my aversion to this whole hard work thing. i mean, i can handle it, basically i had a talk with my dad yesterday about how he wants me to earn supermoney....which i AM focusing on, my rent's gonna be more expensive this year just because there's 2 of us instead of 3. ya know, money....it's like, when it's a problem all you can do is fixate on it, and i hate fixating on money, i appreciate its ability to give me things and make my life run smoother, and i really hate it when people bring up money overly much, like when people fixate on gas money, i'm like "you have a car, gas money is necessary to run the car, fucking budget it out, it's not like magically you can drive the car without it sometimes. i'm sorry if it costs a little more to drive a little farther, that only makes sense. cars cost money, it would be different if something broke down and you had to pay for repairs. repairs are unexpectedly expensive but FUEL, even while fluctuating in price, is a necessary part of vehicle operation. OK, i think that was all the pent-up years of arguing with summer about paying for gas money, i think my money attitude is just a little "off" or "different," i tend not to worry about it very much. she's weird with money, like she is on a tight budget i know, and has to think about money a lot, but yet doesn't have a checking account...? it's strange, that's all.

stupid self-serving rant overwith. i can work hard, i do, this housepainting thing i can do no problem IF my dad would quit coming out there like every 45 minutes and telling me to fix blah-blah-blah, or how to improve. i feel like the lazy, impetuous ingrate who isn't listening to her elders and will fail in life as a result and have to come crawling back, disgracing my village for generations. my car isn't gonna last forever, and i'm trying to earn kiznash this verano to fix that situation with a new(er) vehicle. but i really am going to have to bust my ass, and maybe it's about time. it's like, life's not getting any easier (nor should it) and as soon as i can rock with that, i can move on. i don't know WHAT i was expecting when i came home, relief from the stresses of asheville and easy money maybe, i need to get my zen on with the painting. i assert (to who, myself i guess) that i'm a damn hard worker when necessary, i can handle hard stuff or tough stuff or long stuff or discouraging stuff, but then my body and personality goes into super downtime mode and i couldn't will myself out of an erupting volcano, i need to work on that. i really DO believe american culture is extremely hardworking and fast-paced, but it's the wrong KIND of work. busy appearance=good. no time for good contemplative work, no praying for world balance, no singing time, no service work. if you're not busy and poor, you're evil and stupid and a leech, if you're not busy and rich then you must have done something heavenly. i just remember watching Retrato de Teresa and thinking about how under communism she was pushed harder tahn ever to produce product, family, home care, children, manage things. feminism is might interesting, eh? i had like, an entire thoguht train and then i had to go downstairs and get a graham cracker and throw my work shirt in the dryer and now....i can't remember it again.

they played some lost in teh supermarket and some ramones junk which i recognized, now the "toy dolls" are covering "livin the vida loca". the part about her lips being devil red and her skin's the color mocha was the best part.

more swimming experiences, i went with kevin, roger, and kevin's friend Kara and roger's partner/girlfriend/woman Laura (i THINK that was her name, she had really pretty hair), we jumped the fence of erin farmer's parents' pool and dipped in our undies. i was really glad i wore undies on that particular evening. it was good to see kev although we didn't get any one-on-one time. he has weird body issues, i have always been ashamed of being annoyed by his body insecurities, like he always plays up on his insecurities so that he doesn't like doing anything fun that requires a risk that he's not in control of. like it's not "um, i'll just hang out here and not get naked" it's more like "we can't go". it's weird though, i always feel like "you're a guy, what the hell do you have to be ashemed of, guys can look like ANYTHING in this country adn be sexy, plus you're cute anyway so it doesn't matter". and that's uncool of me, to not respect his body image problems, it's hypocritical of me i guess, and maybe the gay community puts stresses on men to look young and perfect, at least from my experience of being friends with some gay dudes. but kev's like, totally normal, i think it's a different type of body issue than a girl would have and i'm placing my own values on his life. i don't know how to react, my first instinct is to say "fucking deal with it and try to have a good time, why are you ruining everyone else's time with your feel sorry for me crap" and then i think "i do the same thing in other ways" and then again i am coming from somewhere where i am constantly presented with situations in which my body does not fit the mold, and i know how crappy or scared or paranoid i feel, and i usually have to push myself through that (OR engage in thick layers of denial, whoo-hoo!) and realize it's about having fun and not what you look like.

whatever, i hope we can get together again before he has to go back to providence, things didn't really work out so awesome as planned. maybe it's better this way, i think kevin adn i need about a week minimum to get back into the groove with each other's personalities anyway.

ok, i have to go pizza out