so, i wanted to write while i was on my first or 2nd blood day, something was blocking me though, something more than hesitation. I felt all psychic and spacey, i usually just feel emotional and psycho-sensitive but things were happening in Synchronicity with one another, if that's the right word. things just fell together like magic. i don't know, i felt really powerful but not wanting to be a part of the rest of the world, i wanted to do my own blood meditation song thing, i SURE as hell didn't want to be yelled at, paint a house in teh blazing sun or sling pizzas around. i wanted to feel the way i wanted to feel, kind of spacey, out there, with visions of women's health class where we talked about preindustrial societies where women could go to their menstrual huts and like sit on moss and be psychic and do their thing. it was SO FUCKING COOL to feel that way, kind of woozy and crampish, but floaty, taking lots of deep breaths. fuck the pill, i will never let anything regulate my body like that, not if it's going to interfere with the way i felt the last couple of days. my moon is the new moon possibility, or the crescent, i don't feel i'm the full moon type.
i found some menstrual asanas to do, then i found more info that said ABSOLUTELY DON'T do asanas while you are bleeding....the ones i found required a lot of equipment though, like blocks and chairs and backbenders...no thanks. for summer solstice there is a group doing 108 sun salutations in fletcher park. no thanks! it might be cool to watch though.
the past few days......have not been so hot, the days between super happy celebratory blood days and now. i have been coming to see, maybe today i realized that not too much makes me really happy anymore. it's not really that i'm unhappy, more like voluntarily numb, like there's something blocking me, i don't know what, like being home is cushioning it or making it more comfortable. i feel like i'm a pretty social creature, but the past months my friendships have been less supportive, less probing, less digging, less challenging. GOd, before i die in a pity hole i DON'T mean that i'm not grateful, i am so lucky to have people in my life like friends, i'm grateful for people's time, energy, sharing, etc. but i guess i mean i've been drawing away from people a lot more, and i think it's because i'm hurting about something and i don't even know what. like, when people ask me about things i should care about, i can't feel anything about them. i feel like one big appeasal, i feel like i can't tell anyone how i feel without being argued at or feeling embarrassed at "feeling so sorry for myself". i can't balance putting enough importance and self-love into my life with not being self-centered or being worried about being seen that way, i know what i mean, what i just said there. i have always had anxiety with pleasing people, worrying about things, inventing situations, a little paranoia in there, with social interaction even while it is natural i worry about the energy it takes, worry about being seen a certain way, jeeeezus. my whole life i think, my worry for the world is expelled on the inside; i feel like i expel huge amounts of energy sorting situations out and weighing and balancing them internally, and i keep my struggles very internal, and i feel like i have to manage every situation clandestinely.
ok i have to go set up my tent, i will talk more about this, and last night specifically before i forget, latorrr.
