FUCK!!!! why do my parents buy so much junk food?!?!?!? i got an email from daniel wheeler, he's in colorado doing some internship involving babysitting 40 head of cattle or something. he has a girlfriend (whoo-hooo! goooooooooo daniel!!!!) and they're moving in together next semester (yee-haw!!) daniel's a great guy and i'm really glad he's happy. we're really different people, but i admire the way he spends his energy, i really do. he's such a sweet and kind person, very thoughtful and introspective, etc, and though our 2 styles of dungeons and dragons poet goth nerd vs. mixed-up sociologist navel-gazer hippie nerd clash much of the time i think we have a healthy respect for one another. i think i just have a thing for writers and the way they communicate and use their energy and how it is accumulated on paper in graceful forms. he shared some of his poetry with me a few times.....i was blown away. it was amazing, nothing like what i thought it would be. plus he always has some awesome reading suggestions all the time cause his nose is always in a book.
anyway.
my sister and i got to talking for about an hour and a half last night. i think it's a record for us, exclusing life crises. we're getting closer i think, which is good cause i hoped that would happen some this summer. we both act so much like my mom, which is so weird that it makes me feel like lizards and crawling up my spine. also i notice more lately that my entire family has the same sense of humor. we're all a bunch of assholes sometimes, especially when we're together. leigh, though, leigh has no mercy.
so i guess summer and i are going to see ginger's band this weekend. i have been trying to decide what to do for the past couple of weeks. my style is of COURSE non-conflictual at all costs, to a fault, etc. but this has brought about a skill i have for finding win-win solutions to everything that work for everyone. so she kept pushing the "we VOWED to go blah blah blah and i HATE being locked into things and she LOVES locking people into things, this is nothing new and it drives me NUTS cause she ALWAYS wins. she always has to fucking be in control of everything, and i don't see how she can respect me and yet not consider where i might be coming from or let me handle my own shit. i hate planning life, and i suck at it. like, she wrote this email which was sweet in intention but was kind of like "we have to go on this trip. I HAVE TO DO THIS, and you have to accompany me". whenever i go anywhere with her she decides where and when and how. it drives me bonkers. she always, without realizing it i think, makes the main theme "i am going on this trip and i can't drive this far by myself so i NEED you to go WITH ME." "service me yet again, o faithful concubine." i can't ever think of an explainable reason other than "i don't want to go anymore, i don't want to argue with you about gas money, i don't want to take off work, i am scraping by dollar by fuckin dollar, i don't want to drive 8 hours in one day." i'm SO tired of this fucking shit, because i know if i try to talk about it with her as a normal conversation then it's gonnabe a big fight and i'm gonna be in the wrong and i'll hang up all stressed and really upset. in some ways i feel like it's about not having enough balls (eggs!) but in other ways we just make a crazy combination because this ALWAYS happens. but as much as that kind of behavior clashes with my personality and my true nature, it's a necessary part of life and i need to get used to it. i'm good at debating, but as soon as that fighting discordance comes into play then i lose my shit and i'm no good. i suck at fighting. i forget all the million reasons i have for where i'm coming from and then remember them 3 minutes after the fight is over. and i ESPECIALLY can't take phone fights. so i pull and stuff all the discordance on teh inside, like i take it on personally so it doesn't have to let itself out, and hey, THAT'S not healthy now is it campers?
women do this a lot i think. i read this AMAZING short story, i forgot the author and i THINK the title might be "the scar" or something like that, but it's about how women and mothers claim other people's pain and take it into their bodies like lightning striking. but it makes these people unable to feel their own pain and claim it and get rid of it or heal from it.
anyway. so i lost out this time. i'm going to fucking west virginia. oner eason why i don't mind so much, and really i would want to sincerely go if it wasn't so far and i didn't have to work the day before and the day after, is that Kim's going to asheville this weekend to see byron cause i guess she couldn't resist the copious fucking involved when people are in love or something. so we can't see Bio Ritmo together, and no one else i know wants to see it that will actually go with me, and you don't just go to salsa shows alone. that's weird. so no sexy salsa dancing for katie. instead a cute dyke band in west fucking VA and a 16 hour round trip and a bigger debt and a smaller paycheck.
i'm getting so tired of making plans with people and then having them fall through. i miss deirdre, but at the same time, i'm tired of trying to find her ass all the time. it's not her fault entirely nor is it mine. i don't feel like a jealous person when i say that it makes me feel strange that i haven't had any time to just spend some time with her without there being an entourage of about 18 people encasing every decision made. i love her, i love her friends, they're really cool, and i feel that she and i have this weird chemistry that we've always had that doesn't necessarily fit with that which she has now with other folks. which is totally cool. but i'm tired of getting fucked over by the leeway involved when someone wants to make everyone around them happy and ends up fucking most people over. if someone doesn't have the time to hang out or prefers to do something else, then i wish that instead of wishy washy bullshit they would say what they know will inevitably happen anyway. and thus, i will call her again tomorrow after taking a deep breath and will not expect her to be home. and it'll be ok.
whew. ok. glad to get that out of my system. the storm rages outside, ripley pants and his breath is kickin', and maru is spazzing out and hunting ass goblins behind the TV set.
i drove pawpaw around for 2 days in a row and have gritted my teeth through all the comments involving "coloreds", etc. should i fight this anymore or not. he's so old, i think he forgets that that is offensive, at least around me it is. joy said the "n word" last time i was over there and i just about clocked her in the grill. fucking idiot. maybe if you didn't live with your parents at age 38 and you weren't trapped in a pill-induced hypochondriac haze 90% of the time and maybe if it was still 1968 and you lived in Baton Rouge it would be ok but IT'S NOT OK YOU FUCKING DRUGGIE. people who live with their parents at age 38 who aren't disabled ARE PATHETIC. GET SOME FUCKING HELP YA BIGOTED HYPOCHONDRIAC, I KNOW WHY YOU TOOK THAT NURSE'S ASSISTANT CLASS IT WAS TO GET MORE PILLS YOU JERK!!!! STOP BLEEDING MY GRANDPARENTS DRY!!!! AHHHH!!!!!
ok. i think everything is ok now. i listenend to "fuck you ronald reagan" by the men's recovery project and that did the trick i think. that and the ice cream sandwich. you never think those are gonna be good, but they fucking kick ass!!!!
