so anyway, back to my birthday. I ate lunch by myself at max and rosie's. i thought this would be fun, but it was a joyless endeavor although i was ravenously hungry. it just seemed dismal and i felt stupid and like an overconsumer and i think is because the rest of my not-too-well-laid plans began to crumble at this point. I got into work on the most pointless day. tuesday, and many kids didn't show up, joy was all in a tizzy, samantha was frazzled with the kiddos, erin was a bitch as usual and people yelled at me and i felt stupid and extrasensitive, sniff sniff poor fucking me living in a first world country on belly full of max and rosie's being all upset "because it's my birthday" well no one KNOWS that katie so of course they are going to yell at you. what a narcissistic thing to even worry about. Well anyway, I come home, planning on my secret plan straight from work, i just stop in to pick up CDs and i almost blew off sarah's interview because she wasn't there but then she calls and i say ok i'll come over and redo the interview cause your tape messed up and THEN James is like "oh my god can you take me to work??? pleeeease, and before that can you take me to Patton avenue to pick up my dry cleaning??" and i said yes because i know what it's like to not have vehicular transportation and i KNEW i was being too nice and why do i let people walk all over me and stand there helpless as my super secret BatMission crumbles to dust....then sarah comes, i send her home and say i will catch up, then julie adn kelly show up right as we're leaving and bring me a birthday present which is so sweet and thoughtful and kind and all the things i am not on other people's birthdays cause i can be a real inconsiderate fuck, no actually i spend a LOT of time thinking about other folks and i let james-type situation get in the way of my real life priorities and even dreams and i wonder if this is my egotistical capitalist youth response or if i'm really not taking care of myself or if i'm expected to take care of other poeple and i think one can be a healer without being a mollycoddling babysitting mother to everyone, especially when i am so youthful and fun and doing shit like that strangles everything i am about......

so i thank julie and kellie for the games and dildo magnets (ahhhh.....), send them away, cart james to patton and then work, go to sarah's, do the interview and by now it's 5:40 and i stop back home to drop shit off and pee before my journey, and then there's a message from james that says "hi, this is james, i'm so sorry but i grabbed two right boots and they won't let me out on the floor without proper shoes so can you please bring the blah blah blah blah boots with the rubber heels, not teh wooden heels blah hbalha balh....." and i want to stab him in the trachea and my heart breaks and i say "FUCK NO!!!" to the answering machine and the next message is from some english catalog distributor telling james that they're out of stock on the Joy Division buttons and i crack up laughing because he's such a silly fuck sometimes........and me in all my vanity could never compare to james' bathroom primping, pinning his joy division button onto his skinny tie ever-so-exactingly......

so i leave. it's 6:45, i speed up to the parkway, i gotta get my religion back, i screech around curves adn pass folks and it's getting foggier and darker and colder and i crave the adventure feeling abd it's taking for fucking ever to get there and i reel around past mt pisgah and pisgah inn and up to mile marker 417 to find glory.

i park.

i grab towel, flashlight, and shed jewelry in case there are pool-goblins or forest robbers. i run insanely over the roots and leap down the rocks, and ease down others, never gracefully, padding along and huffing away, in 15 minutes or less i am there, feeling the tremors of gushing water and REEEEAlly HAVING TO PEE, and i rush down the steps and i'm there, and i'm running late, and i rip off my clothes and keep looking around for people coming even though no one would, it's almost dark, foggy, cold, cloudy and Tuesday evening.

so i breathe deeply, i crawl down to the water adn violate my hard-learned girl scout rule of never peeing directly into a water source but i pee on the rocks and don't care and i toss my undies into the rocks above and wade into teh welcoming iciness. The water is white and roaring, and i feel at home. I had almost chickened out at the trailhead, but i went on ahead into the darkening woods and i felt so good about that, like i wasn't going to give up no matter what. and for the first time, ever? in a long time? breaking a bad habit? i absolutely knew i would follow through with diving right into that fucking cold-as-hell hole with that icy-clear current. and i was all alone and i left everything bad or hurtful or annoying or tough behind except for my soul-adventure (and YES, i realize i say the word "soul" a lot, fucking get over it i'm in my little "soul" phase ok?) cause i think souls need to be stretched and so i felt joy and heart-enotional numbness go away and return and be shed like a leathery thin skin and i laughed like a fool and counted to 3 and pushed in, and screamed and went under again and clambered out, and then wasn't satisfied and went in again and lost my breath from the cold. my body shook adn i laughed, i was just glad, i had conquered something i don't know what, not fear of swimming, or diving or being alone, i conquered a secret and i'm not sure what, but i'm happy and i feel a little rebaptized if you had to put it into words. i felt like sexy, ballsy, foolish waterchild, laughing at trees and plants and rocks that had always before frightened her at night, feeling protected by these life forms and life-sustainers, feeling a familiarity but not like a conquered the waterfall, and not that i was totally safe, but that in my respect for its beauty and power and wisdom, age, etc., my footprints were regarded with the same ancient benevolent indifference.

anyway, i dried off, did the contemplation thing for a while and rushed back to the car. the forest was so dark, and i was glad i had my light. i would have chickened without it. i lost my night vision cause of it, but i turned it off fo rthe thrill, i love doing that at night in the car even though it's dangerous, i especially love it in tunnels on teh parkway. and it was so misty adn gray and you could see the faintest light coming from above the cover. absolutely beautiful. i was super late but i didnt really care about being inconsiderate cause of all the crap pulled on me earlier. so i sped home, it was brutally foggy and i skidded a few times i think because i was so giddy from previous events.

and i got home 40 minutes late and i am the luckiest girl in the world, my friends were there, and i love them so much, and they are so sweet and we went to el chapala and drank margaritas and i twas almost closing and they turned out the lights on us but we didn't care, and we went home and got high and opened presents and ate cake with technicolor icing and i am the luckiest ever, to have folks i love live me back. stuff aside, i felt blessed. even brian, who was in droll spirits, put up a good effort although he had pressing academic concerns. so, people in love with life, i love you too, and i am glad to be sharing a solar system with you,and i want to kiss my friends cause they're sweeter than pecan pie. the end.