long story short, i got really fucked up with L., hung out with the fella i kind of have a crush on, saw his lizards, while being really stoned adn drunk. THAT part was cool.

Great, OK. then, lots of cocaine, take tequila shots, smoke more weed, have sex with mexican drug dealer, condom breaks, i freak out after he won't leave bad enough alone, he is WAAAAY too scary and pretends to hit me which didn't frighten me but REALLY weirded me out, i drop him off at his house, now i am home with some vitamin C and parsley in my cooter, pajamas on, and i can't fucking even read a book, WHYYYY CAAAN'T I SLEEEEEP, GOD WHYYYYYYY!!!! make me able to sleep!

it's sick , but i think i understand where james has been coming from all these months. i hate cocaine, and i am never doing THAT again. don't know why i did in teh first place, actually yes i do, curiosity and out-of-control stonedness. i think, like anna, i may fear my own insanity too much to do drugs that hardcore.

wow. i feel like shit, and it's ALL MY FAULT! i should have known better than to go to a club called "La Cama". there were TWO other women in there! Two! and like, 40 dudes! one guy offered me money to sleep with him in his car! the dealer wanted to take me and L. to veracruz! fuck no! sweet ass! the kind of cool/weird part is that those guys didn't really bother me in the least. they sucked. and my quasi-sexually violent dealer, he sucked in bed too. What, why can't you stay at my house tonight? Because you suck at fucking, you thought my name was Sandi, you did this gross thing with your tongue, you know NOTHING about pussy and you pretended to HIT me, for christ's sake! Goddamn. what a fucked-up turn of events, all the result of bad judgement, or no judgement.

brian is coming into town tonight, should i talk to HIM about all of this? could he POSSIBLY help? will he think i have gone insane or am having a bout of severe depression? have i made myself unworthy of my crush? i think i feel so weird because i got so fucked up that i was out of character, or too IN character if that makes any sense. like, instead of pushing homeboy off and letting him have it in the trachea, i CONVINCED him to leave me the fuck alone......why did i have to CONVINCE someone to stop hurting me?? that's just fucked up. i don't love myself enough to ward off threats, that much is obvious. i'm not sad, i'm not REALLY ashamed except maybe i am still on drugs, i don't really feel gross from what happened, just from chemicals, and i am awake at fucking quarter to seven and am analyzing events that happened like, two hours ago, mostly i am just confused. i feel like i could draft kevin's famous plan to save the world, complete with diagrams, but i also feel like i have to be at work at 8 in the morning, which i do, sort of. gooooooooodddd. gooooood this diary entry is sooo boring, despite its seemingly interesting subject matter. it just proves to me that drugs---if you want to use them, great. otherwise, they are STUPID! THEY MAKE YOU DUMB! THEY SAP ANYTHING COOL OUT OF YOU! the end.

ahhh, the garbage truck has arrived. it is now flipping the dumpster over. ahh, teh birds are singing and i am an enormous retard. mmmm, i think i am going to sand my teeth clean. i am a small town girl in a big scary world. full of overzealous stupid men, yes yes, the lineup, the suitors i have had of late, there was pavolino, and then the stunning antoine, then this chode. this is awesome, see the changes i need to make ? yeah, i do. lots of BIG changes, big changes, little ones even more, little ones make big ones.....

SUMMER IS COMING TOMORROW! god, she is back, i will be so glad to see her! god, i don't want to tell her this right away, i want to ehar about ehr trip, etc. i want to snuggle with someone REAL who i LOVE.

brian said something really sweet tonight, i will not repeat it, but i think we are real good friends, and he made it so we'll keep it that way.

i feel better, sort of, i don't think i can sleep still but thinking these beautiful thoughts is a good thing. not insane cannibal squirrells gnawing out the window screens and scratching through the glass to come and get maru adn me. maru is so badass, she took one look at me and said look communicated her opinions of my total idiocy and ineptness.

the VM are coming along pretty well, the art show is in teh making, that should be cool.

i needed to remember to wreite this down: international link, INTERNATIONAL LINK, INTERNATIONAL LINK. ok, i have had enough debauchery for a loooong time now, i miss the clarity i had like, twelve hours ago badly enough to NOT BE THAT STUPID EVER AGAIN.

boo-ya, grandma. good night, i guess.....mannn........

P.S.- watched shallow hal-sucked. finally watched the usual suspects-yeah, it's clever, what's all the big deal about?

OK OK OK, i promise myself i will delete this very soon. delete! delete the insanity!