anyway, reflection--i like a boy. summer's back, we had the BEST teary laughing time. it's such a comfort and challenge to know that you'll have a soul friend for the rest of your life. Like, i KNOW she'll be around for as long as we both shall live. brian i love, but i don't know if he'll stick around. i don't ever think about that too much, but people shouldn't, you know? kim'll be around forever, but i don't necessary want her around when i'm in the seventeenth hour of labor with my child. we already have a plan anyway, we're living next door to one another, and i'm raising the kids until they're around nine, at which point she will take over for the preteen and adolescent years. it's the perfect situation. my exotic south american concubine can be the father figure, or kevin maybe, or some other winderful person i meet with the unpredictable turn of events that is life, so it's all settled then. by not being settled, i hate settling things, it's stupid. except settling the score, motherfuckers. i'll fuck you all up.

i worry about how i joke about violence with men. i do it a lot. especially with men who threaten me or who i think could kick my ass. oh well, as the mountain goats say, when the easter bunny comes it's gonna be so nice.

i want all the people who have tattoos to come show them to me in 40 years, and we'll see who's cool and who isn't. yoric wanted to get a gnarly tattoo of his own design, so we tried to visit a few tattoo places to see if they could draw his idea. his initials, which he wanted in teh middle, are Y.E.S., so i just think that a lot of people would think he really liked that band, "Yes".

i'm going dancing tonight with "the gals" from work. should be fun. wish i could work up the nerve to ask this guy to go with me. although, i don't think contra dancing is the best for introducing yourself to people, because they might think that's all you're about and that's not true. plus, most people tend to either love it or hate it, get it or not get it. the majority of men i know REALLY don't get it.

i'm wearing really tight jeans.

the day before i left raleigh, my mom took me out to lunch. she's SO FUCKING UNPREDICTABLE. for all i could tell, she was taking me out to tell me someone died or i was kicked out of the family by her tone and expression. she is like a kettle just about to fucking boil all teh time. i guess this is good, she's well-rounded. anyway, we went to this weird little tea room place in wake forest, we had tea and a great time. we talked about logan, what was going on with him. god, i feel like i miss him so much even when he's around. we used to be so close, it makes my heart ache. i dont think he's really happy either, he's struggling with a lot of stuff. i don't think anyone's used to him having a hard time because he's so quiet and kind of fends for himself. she told me something i'll never forget about me whiel talking about this. she was talking about pops, who she doesn't talk as much about as teeta. every time i hear about our family from her, it waters my roots with just a little drop of water, i want to know so much more but i'm afraid to ask her. i feel like my family history is shrouded in mystery. damn shaggy, i just busted a rhyme, must be cause i listen to cool like that by diggable planets rite nowww. anyway, she said i reminded her so much of pops, and that he was one of the kindest people she had ever known, and that i was one of the kindest people also. whew. talk about oceans of emotion. i felt like, with that statement, she kind of established my adulthood, personhood and character in her eyes. it was great. i can't describe it very well right now. then we shopped for purses for leigh.

i want to go see this boy. i am afraid i will blurt out something stupid, or fart, or he will turn out to not be interested. strangely i am motivated, unfrozen by his fun-ness. i think i found someone as KIDly-old as i, but much taller. think. don't know. but whoooo, those legs....that hair....those EYES! that SMILE! should i go for it should i go for it should i go for it before i dies away......hmmmmmmmmmmm

we will see how much courage i have

oh yes, we will see. swear to god.

report back later, in sixteen hundred hours. actually i have no idea how long that is.