Yeah, so, remember how I was just BEGGING for clarity at teh end of my last entry? Well, i think i got it, or some of it. don't know if i like what it's telling me, but i feel a little better.
gaby and brian are downstairs making stir fry. together. wheeeeeee.......
So I think the three of us are divided into two weird sides--they think my problem is with loud sex, but really it's with them HAVING sex in teh first place. duh. I don't want ot go into all my arguments, because there are dozens of them, but since this is clarity, i can use latter classifications that come in a chronological, cumulative order.
a.)i felt insulted last night by them just going at it when i thought i was going to hang out with brian. i feel in teh way, unnecessary, ugly, unwanted, and like i'm losing my friendship with brian to his sex with gabriel.
b.) i dislike hearing other people having sex. you'd think this would make me happy, to know that others are getting smooth play, but it doesn't, it makes me feel weird.
c.)i feel insulted because brian and i used to have sex and be just friends, and i think our whole relationship as best friends has never been tested, well, i mean i am glad w3hen he has love interests and girlfriends adn whatnot, THOSE situations do not make me jealous at all, but this one does because i think i have not had very many (if any) positive sexual relationships in my life, including his, and DEFINITELY not in a long time, and sex has never been a "happy area" for me, and so i have always resigned his and mine as like, one that turned out OK and maybe now i feel like it didn't mean anything to him, which i guess i knew at the time anyway by the way he treated me, and now i have to come to terms with that, i don't mean GIRLfriend mean anything to him, i mean loving friendship adn tenderness deal, and now i see that because he is choosing to fuck gabriel now on a whim, that we meant little to nothing to him also, so my stronghold on positive sex experiences is crumbling before my eyes and heart and i'm left with some nice ambiguous semi-abusive not-quite-rape-but-not-sure, semi-violent traps in place of sex. and
d)on top of this, i feel like our friendship is suffering because fucking her is more important to him than my friendship, and i am leaving, and he is moving away while i am gone, and i'm not sure that being my best friend is enough to keep him my best friend because i try so hard and put so much out there and don't get as much in return in the way i know what fdriendship is.
and i feel ugly for having these feelings inside me, but it's going to be OK.
whew.
OK
i have to go eat stir fry with both of them now. jesus.
later.
