OK. whew. sigh. deep breaths. we just had a morning rehearsal of teh monologues, they are looking awesoe, the ones who were here nayway. i am scrabling y ass around this school today trying to get stuff together, get us money, write stuff, talk to people. SOC meeting tonight, why do i pu8t yself through ll this adinistrative hell, because i am the only one who knows how to do it?

Anyway, i keep vacillating between inspired creative loving katie adn Insane Out Of Control Katie. All this goddamn week i haven't felt like myself, i feel confused, imbalanced, unable to exrpess myself except at like 4 in teh morning when i can't sleep and i can't type anything cause there's nowhere to type it. more on this shortly.

The art show was really good. i find myself truly understnding how confusing working for Joy really is, especially being caught int eh middle of a lot of unnecessary strife i never really cared too uch because someone else was paying me, now i know she has BIG issues withpaying people . i understand her not having enough money while setting up business that just keeps sucking it out of her. i feel so uilty for not putting up enough flyers for stuff over these months. hey, i got paid whether i did or not. now i know i will burn in hell. and i will not get paid. at the same time, i cannot find the balance between econoics and ethics with her. when should i have said no, and when yes? with this job, it turns out tha t about sixty to seventy percent of tie spent is not paid. but somehow required to get the other forty to thirty going adn akei t happen. i love teaching. i love kids, even iddle school kids. i hate argmuents. i am leaving in a week anyway i love joy, and it makes e so nervous when she comez to me as a total equal even though she's so old and i feel like she should be wise. she IS, she's wise adn strong and has had imeasureable experience, but then she asks me these questions or coes to me with distress and i feel like things may be falling apart underneath e as far as teh business.

whew. i will miss my students big-time, jackasses thoguh they can be. And beautiful smart talented creative people though they can be.

Whew. so yeah, i feel insane right now, and i don't know why. usually i know why, now..i don't. i have been walking a lot, trying to blow off steam mostly, and i find that i DO wander a lot and always have, i just didn't know i was doing it. why do i go to places seeking solace? it's alost always the trip itself, too, that akes being in the place worth it. that's why i hate airplanes, and i' gonna be on one in like three weeks, traveling far away from people and places i love and home and love and family. i worry about how things will change, i worry that any of my beast friends will graduate, move away, celebrate birthdays, fall in love, forget about me, accomplish great feats, be hilarious, laugh, play doctor mario for ten hours, write/do brilliant things, party, have long talks abotu teh metaorphosis of their souls....and i will not be there to share it with them. in a way i feel so ashamed for these feelings, they are almost jealosy at what will happen amd how i will not be a part of them....fuckin' DUH, katie. i think i just needed a big check in (these are best done regularly) that the fuckin world does not revolve around me, it revolves because of gravitational pull and love and pain happen anyway, to everyone, and it's ok. no, it won't be the same nor does it need to be. if people matter to each other then they keep in touch. keep in touch, keep in touch, keep in touch....please keep in touch...

i feel like i am too dependent on other people, which is funny because i haven't been checking in with my heart. i wouldn't need anybody if i just checked in and knew it was ok adn knew that what i was doing was the right thing and knew that i could accomplish it on y own adn not need any help. i think i have been trying to live like that for so long, and yet it's right adn not right. i always wonder about my intentions, i feel like i try to keep noble intentions and other people are so far reoved that they don't relate, they don't understand me, they live in another place. i' NOT saying "i'm above everyone else" not at ALL, in fact i draw inspiration fro people all the time, i am in total awe of people most of the time, in love with them all i think, and trees, fuckin trees, how they are all this energy and tiny particles and the creation of inerals adn air and sweet water pushing up out of teh fucking ground to make this majestic LIVING THING to keep the world turning adn in balance....anyway, i just don't feel like i relate to people anyore. i don't understand what they do, why they do it, and yet everything i have ever wanted to do was help people, show them kindness, make them laugh, heal them, CREATE something beautiful that lasts beyond one lifetime so that it REALLY FUCKING MATTERS....and yet all this ugliness has been flooding e this past week and i can't make the pain stop. i thought walking would help, i fucking walked about 4 iles last night, just tromping, skipping, with tori soothing me. i was fuckin' FURIOUS. i don't get angry very much, i am logical, cool, cold even, i weird people out someitmes, and other times when i am less mad i act things out and have a big emotional response, but i felt so out of control last night....i was so hurt....i screamed so loud. i'm so confused. it doesn't make any sense ot me outside of a right and wrong thing, which is usually clear? what is right in thsi situation and who makes teh choices and why am i being so irrational and what right do i have in thsi situation, i feel liek i do have a rightto feel how i feel because my heart it don't lie. it knows what it needs. i don't know why i am feeling this way, it's unreasonable, or is it? my feelings i have faith in, i am learning to trust them even thoguh they confuse teh consarned shit out of me. I described breaking up with dave three years ago or however teh fuck long ago it was to gabriel as something like my heart pulsing and writhing ona pile of broken glass adn salt, and i wonder if it didn't come out that way because of how i really felt anyway, i don't fucking know why but i was upset adn nothign made sense like i had broken up with someone, it feels like i am breaking up with my friends? I left completely hysterical adn furious and I walked for so long, it was so cold, i went up to lookout so high and looked at my city lights the road all deserted and scary with no streetlights and big dark bushes, i went down the atari road, i went into the gardens, i went through campus, i went up adn down edgewood, i pumped along and wandered adn lollygagged adn jogged to cornflake girl and floated to bells for her, adn dragged y feet to everybody else's girl, and i felt clear adn cold adn good, and then as soon as i approached the house the angerjust welled back up inside of me, raging, or maybe a little worse cause it was resigned and wistful adn lonely...it's like i don't want to give itup until it's understood. i will write more about this later. i feel like a goddan living contradiction, which people are anyway, but maybe i have rthe privlege right now of being blessed with seeign it adn how absurd it is. where is the motherfucking clarity? come on in clarity, i don't want to be at home right now anyway. there is a pressure for this to all clear up in a week, cause that's when i'm leaving anyway. so weird, so fucking weird. ow.