goddamn!

fuck, i had literally written for like, 40 minutes. assmonger!!! i was all at peace and shit, because i was explaining how i am getting to be OK again now. maybe this is a sign that i shoudn't try to explain maharaji, i should just let it happen like it happens. damn. a apiritual example from a teacher or a technological misfire? i will never know.

anyway, i was saying in a much more long-winded fashion that i think my anger, rage, pain were old, powerful feelings i had stuffed down deeeeeep deep inside my caves and was all erupting. and not because i couldn't hold any more, or i couldn't take it anymore, but because in order for us to be able to let joy, love, heaven flow within ourselves, we have to let teh dams we put up break apart. so i was breaking apart, and that's why it hurt so much. but only breaking fear, loneliness, unexpressed anger, jealousy, shame.....the list goes on.

yeah. it's good. really good. i tried to explain this to brian over sushi last night (he owed me big dollas)and maybe i shoudln't have. i think he may think i'm a quack. but i really don't care, i am truly, truly grateful for my converation with joy, and with what she said about maharaji. she knew. she fucking KNEW. it happened to her, it happens to everybody, whether they get to hear him or not. and what happened between she adn i in september where i lost it right at work, i understand now that those were deep feelings from years of body hatred, abuse (from self and others), insecurity, (socially-taught) shame, and self-guarding 24 hours a day. crazy shit. good-ass crazy shit, to get that stuff out.

so yeah, thigns are better. brian adn julie dn i went on a beer run at like 11 o'clock in the snow. julie and i are making a tradition of going on beer runs in dangerous.shitty weather. so while middle aged people with like 5 kids who have just gotten out of school early and are being dragged to the grocery sto' are loading up on pounds of milk, bread, ice (?), handi snacks, beef, or whatever else growing children need, we stand in line for 30 minutes to buy cases of on-sale beer.

so last night we bought beer, hot pockets, and pistachio ice cream and, admittedly, also some produce such as lettuce, onions, avocados, garlic, strawberries and apples.

girl's got to get her vitamins somehow, in this crazy snowstormin town.