I had my first free-school counseling session. it was interesting. validating in some ways, and i don't know if that's a good thing, i don't all the way trust it. objectively it was a little hilarious....for example, this woman felt the need to ask me about who all the members of my family are, and drew a family tree thing to keep up with the explanations, like drew a picture en vez de taking notes....anyway, so mostly all i did was explain the circumstances of dad's death (god, it feels SO VERY strange and cold and decisive to say that still, i could say it a hundred times a day but when i write it it makes it true like an anvil in my stomach or an exhalation but especially a bruise or a pierce in my heart, and confusion in my mind). so anyway, after i basically tell her about what my family's like, she, as a general statement, says "oh my god...that's SO HORRIBLE!" it was bizarre, i had to laugh out loud and say something like "ummm...". i mean, my family is slightly fucked up, we have a few crazy people and some alcoholics and some fuck-ups and lots of dead people, but so does everyone else's family, man! i have never heard that kind of statement made about my life, so it was funny cause maybe it's mroe bizarre than i realize?

well, i DO think i have a lot to wake up to and work through. i feel like it's time to wake up from my life-sleep because sleep is a waste of time. no, i woudln't say that, it's a period of meditation, dormancy, preparing and stocking up for the storm ahead. i have been waking up, but i really have to shake some stuff off and start digging instead of taking off running. wow, katie, nice hackneyed extended metaphor, jesus man.

words and naming things can have so much power, verbalizing a thought makes it that inescapable reality. i feel sometimes (maybe most of the time?) that ok, it's time to attack this and i guess i have to grow up now and learn to do a lot of things on my own without my dad, and it's really really fucking sad but ok adn exciting and magic at the same time. and hard hard hard. then sometimes i have these moments where i just fall apart and just want my daddy's strength, steady comforting presence, the anchor in the house, the beauty of a laughing face with a too-loud high pitched laugh, overdramatic hand gestures, loving instruction, wisdom so different from my mom's, quiet service and good deeds, softness outside strongness, giving me his hands and neck and frame and nervousness and all the same things i always end up writing about. lord, am i the electra complex poster child or what?

do i want the me i was while dad was still alive, or the me i am now. they are very different girls hwo see the world in different ways. so much has changed in these intricate ways.

god, i have a lot of work to do.

had a party. it was random, fun, lots of forced dancing, brief swingsets, too much too fast, it all happened in a flash. chase came and visited with john and their sweet swedish exchange student friend. i think they all have dimples or something, the darlings. that was half-sarcastic, they are darling individuals but i never say things like that. anyway, their visit was sweet, there was a beauty and purity to the discussions that went on, like a sharing that i feel has been missing from my life for a while. a clarity of respectful comunication and listening and asking questions. it's funny how people can affect you like that, make you realize what's missing.

i had the luck of my sis visiting too, on half a whim. we talked, we ate tupelo honey, she got too much preachy big sis advice and went to bed with that crying-exhausted temporarily peaceful/my issues are far from over feeling. at least i think, since she hit the sack really early. i worry about her and the probs she's having with dad, her weird school, her dipshit boyfriend. she seemed ok when she left though.

my grandma called all crunked up, randomly (she never calls) and went on and on about my sister and how worried she was about my mom and talked about her smoking 4 cigarettes in 30 minutes, she must have said that like 6 times. and i just called them on thursday or friday. i don't know how to feel/what to do about my grandparents...thye are so old they can't start again, so is it ok to let them go a little nuts or try to argue with them about everything they say that's wrong? i feel like maybe my grandma is having serious issues with losing her son, but no one can tell between her booze adn her pill sand general old peopleness and pawpaw is working himself into the ground to support their household and he's old and he doesn't need to be working. the baby is ok but i am afraid they are going ot take it too far with this "he is just like your daddy" thing. he's a baby, not a 52 year old man. thye woudln't say that if he wasn't dead. that's weird.

anyway, what else. i missed most of rehearsal today, because i am a dumbass but felt better after going to work out with alison. the problem with my working out is that i come home and i'm like "well SURE I can eat pizza...and ice cream...and beer" lord, it is like i have a guagua in my guata. mi guata de cerveza, seguro.

i need to get a cool criada costume. overall: letter writing, a good idea. journal writing, also good. la fete continue