i just found out that my 10 page test i wrote out, spending a night not sleeping, in intense concentration and meditation and doni gmy best work and pretty much busting my asshole to high heavens was only supposed to be 3 pages. whoops. was it worth it? i don't know but damn if i'm not stretched to the outer limit of my coping skills right now.

i also had yet another session with cathy, my skeletal counselor. i prefer to think of her as like a royal advisor, properly fitting with the dignity i try to carry at all times. it's weird to cry around someone you don't know, and have them not be freaked out by it. i talked a blue streak of weeeeeird shit, though, and some primordial shit was coming out in the form of snot.

goddamn, i can't believe that the thing that has had me incredibly nervous and anxious for like an entire 5 days was some bullshit i didn't forsee with this goddamn test. it will probably be funny in a little while, but right now i am madder than a snake stuck to a hot plate.

looks like i am flying solo till march after all, like the psychic said. that's some bullshit and i'm sick of it. sometimes i wonder, "am i really that angry a person that i frighten people away or something?" are people really that weak that they can't handle another person who decided she couldn't keep up faking happiness to them and herself and bending her spine like a twizzler to please them and suck their dicks and give them a fucking foot massage? figuratively of course??? goddamn it has been a letdown to be in this state and choose to see how people can be REAL, real shallow. i refuse to believe it even now as i live almost devoid of any real support or respect from folks who i have known for years. what can't you fucking handle, a little hard times? thanks guys. god katie, wonder if this is a phase, think sooooo? i know and have known real happiness, and i used to feel like some folks joined me but right now i'm not so sure. god what a lens, man. it's like i got me a zoom lens attached to my inner eye with some grit all over it so everything looks ugly today. damn.

we had a mayan priest as a speaker in class today. his demeanor ws strange and stoic, and he rubbed me a weird way (figuratively, he did not touch me). his gaze was incredible, i just kept struggling to understand his spanish and begging with my mind for those eyes to look me square in the face again. there was this weird beauty about him, he was fucking FASCINATING.

ok i think this is one of the best occasions i have EVER had to get stoned in my life, so here goes.........