last night the candles were on fire and nina sang 3 times over, and i felt this strong urge to smoke cigarettes in the half-dark. made some poorly rolled damiana conglomerations. oh, i forgot, at liz'a party we had no rolling papers so we smoked pages from matthew and john of one of those free new testament bibles that stephanie had laying around. back to last night... had a bad trip. there was lots of bad, negative frightening stuff and then i thought all the good stuff was just trying to lull me into a trance so THEY could attack me. i gave birth to demons and heard shit that wasn't there and everything around became an enemy and i convinced myself that the cat was my only ally and i had to steel myself to go back down and put out the flames and save the cat so we could fight THEM together.

goddamn

kt she can be madd stoopid quite a lot.

i met a wonderful individual this evening, anna's new friend. sweet kindly peaceful energy just oozes out of him. we jammed together slightly and chatted with garlic tuna mac and cheese beer breath. i hope we hang out again soon, just being around him was like remembering the feeling of something really really sweet that you have been lacking in your life. where are all the sweet people around me? he's downstairs still right now giving anna a massage, since she wiped out down the stairs on friday

oh yes! speaking of one-upping yourself, like i always do to others, right? well

anyway

attended a HARD CORE self-defense workshop on saturday. was supposed to be 2 hours but was like 3.5....2 real men who really attacked us and we fought them back. there were only like, 5 women present so we got a LOT of practice time. i'm really beat up and bruised today. i am feeling today i think the severity, importance, psychological enormity of having fought back at an attacking male....it's weighing me down physically but i'm also flying enotionally. i'm not used to fighting. i'm used to letting people hurt me and putting myself back together later, or spending all my energy holding it together. god, it's so fucking powerful to have done that. and FUNNY! i mean, of course there were parts of it i disputed and that the older guy doing the teaching obviously didn't get about people needing a space to talk about their boundaries, etc, all the usual feminist self protection stuff. and he didn't ask if it was ok if he touched us, etc, which would really bother me cause it pissed me off but you know, not too much long term damage or anything. that helped me fight. i also had several clear moments where we were setting ourselves up to be attacked or held down and trying to escape where i got teary because it brought up all that bullshit with ruben and then i distinctly was so pissed off i thought "FUCK that!!" and threw myself into it and chose to act. body mind spirit connection was made like lightning.

the funniest technique HAD to have been the one in which the instructor (old, balding, short man with large belly, in skintight purple bike shorts with a HUGE cup on so he looked like he had turbo-wang)....god this is complex....he like, climbed on top of us like he was actually raping us, yelling at us and choking us, and we had to, like, pull him towards us, shove on of his arms across our chest adn the other between ourlegs, and then buck up violently and like, choke him with our legs wrapped around his neck. i am NOT EVEN fucking around, it was so fucking hard core. his face was in my crotch! and i choked him until he told me to stop, and i kept thinking i should quit and he was like "don't stop, keep choking me!" so i did and he turned all purple, he kept making himself almost pass out wiht every woman, it was weird and funny.

goddamn. words do no justice to describe a sweaty old grandfatherly man in purple bike shorts and a cup and a rape crisis center t shirt with his face in your crotch while you are strangling him with your thighs. plus i had to be a smartass and wear a skirt ot this thing, i only did that because i would probably wear one if i went out and wanted to be sure i could do this stuff in girly clothes. which was cool until my ass was all hanging out in the wind. at least i wore relatively modest undies. relatively, as in not g string.

i can't get over it. it was possibly one of the weirdest things i have ever done--with actions, emotionally, beating up on men and apologizing. like, we'd strangle these guys and then as they pulled away, gasping, we'd be like "tee hee hee, god i'm so sorry are you ok?" talk about fucking female socialization. kick someone's ass and then apologize and giggle. then to eventually kick someone's ass and NOT apologize, a transformaiton in 3 hours and all it took was engaging in that action. i can find no way to properly describe it. maybe i'll try again/add more detail later on. bedtime now for tomorrow night will be an up all nighta

peace out