thanks for the flowers! they were a beautiful surprise in the middle of my messy floor upon my arrival home! with a mysterious message too, to foil the roomies! somebody here thought i had a male admirer till i clued them in, boo-ya!

god, my dreams are so weird lately. i dream vividly every night, but only lucidly in the AM after i hit the snooze button adn it feels like you sleep another night's worth of adventures before it goes off again. i don't know, maybe it is because i have wanted to dream about my dad so my brain just takes off to these crazy places. So far no dad, so maybe i don't want to dream about him yet. especially if it could be a form of communication like the counselor lady says it may be. maye i'm not ready to communicate with my dad yet, maybe i still haven't accepted that he has died. i usually feel ok these days and i get through most days in a fairly normal manner, but then i think i catch these glimpses of how life really is and how long a way there is to go before being kt again and being a part of things as they really happen. it's a weird place to be, because some things are so clear that were once not, but cause i don't have the energy or ability to be a part of other things it can be very delusional, lonely or solitary....not always in a bad way but that's definitely the way it is. so distanced from real life, seeing the dance and wanting to dance but being unable to dance yet. which is a really bad metaphor since i have been doing a whole lot of dancin' around lately. i talked to my friend Amanda on the phone tonight, who just got back from visiting her husband and my pal marcelo in chile over tgiving break. talk about the mysterious powers of love! whoo! hearing her describe being there and riding the micro (bus) down the road along the ocean, climbing the hills, seeing the friendly doorman at the club we frequented, walking around downtown, going to secret spots on the beach with marcelo, all these things i saw in my mind so clearly and they brought quite a bittersweet feeling my way. i feel so vividly the incomparable feeling of treading through the streets of that dirty real city that's so unlike the one i live in now. she did make me laugh, though, when she told me she bawled in the airplane as they crossed over the andes, she's so emotional. i was so pulled back while there in chile. i chose to distance myself there. i wanted space then, and i have it now and don't want it. i have a feeling that things are going to come together and make a little more sense in the next few days. you wonder why i make things hectic and last minute, it is because i become all switched-on and manic and everything is lucid and mathematical and in pushing my luck messages come to me, things come together in the cyclones of my forceful directed energy. in part, anyway, the other side to that is that i'm lazy half the time and have super lame immense anxiety problems and therefore procrastinate like a motherfucker. my mother wrote me a beautiful email yesterday saying all the things she was thankful for that she didn't get to say in all the hecticness of thanksgiving. her wisdom brought so many things together...she said that our holding togetherness shows her that we are able to recognize beauty and good things even when we are wounded. i haven't written my familia at all since the morning i walked out their door, i think because the memory of that night and morning are things that i don't want to revisit. and now it's time for a christmas package to them, it's now or never, don't you think? christmas is a good excuse to catch up with people you should have written months ago. anyway just thoughts. i talked to a boy today who said his favorite thing to do is to be in a really big bustling city and try to find the most quiet peaceful secluded place in it. that made me smile and think he was a neat person and kind of brightened my evening there in arts 310 class.

ALL these things have in common the ways in which i have been touched by the kindnesses of other people and the relationships i am lucky to have and be challenged by, and the experiences i have been lucky enough to have. i love getting flowers from you because i know you gave them to me because i am fantastic and beautiful and that i have a bodacious and one of a kind friend with whom i have a warm and loving friendSHIP.

god, it's already 11 o'clock.

hope you are plowing your way through this nutso week.

i don't wanna say this and this isn't the reason for my email, but i must send my regrets for your dance preformance this friday. i know you want me to be there and i really want to come see you dance, but i can't do all the things i want to and still handle the stress of exams etc. i'm sorry, i really want to be there. you'd better tape those pieces so i can see them as soon as i see you! i am so proud of your dancing, you are so talented and hardworking and your love of what you're doing really shows. SO...know i am there in spirit even though my body has other dumb commitments. i will send out dance vibes...what is that ballet thing they say to dancers instead of break a leg? damnit i can't remember.

so i'll give you a call when i recharge my phonecard to talk to your sleep-deprived graduatin' ass!

p.s. i FINALLY got a letter from silvan with some grade-a cheese shots of you 2 inside!

ok, i should do something school or cleaning or bathing related

i love you

talk to you soon

good luck

OH! dancers say MAIRDE! i'm not sure if that's how you spell it, or even what it means (i am assuming it's french. so tell me, frenchie!)

good night my francophile bff

kt