so many times i wanted to let it rip.

last night she came hours on a wet road and tried her best, since she thought she could rub the pain out with sharp little circles. i wouldn't let her crack the shell, and i couldn't even start trying to hold hers either. numb and meditative i pressed to the rhythm.

the car wasn't broken, i was just a dumbass.

more times than i'd like to admit the room was full of silence and lack of....screaming........

the light orange and flickering, the attempts a pitiful crack in dry ice

but love glowing like a match that doesn't blow out, thank god.

came home to a bad feeling. there was a bad feeling about coming home, something wasn't right.

mom mentioned that sis tried to call, late.

sis came in. 15 minutes of everything's ok. tv's on. she sits on the footstool.

our friend got date raped. mom goes into the kitchen and washes dishes, brushing past the christmas tree. i ask dumb questions. she was raped. first semester in college. won't press charges. parents know. won't talk to her. the tv's still on the preview channel.

god, i don't know what to do. talked to her on the phone, she sounded like..... she was trying to sound ok. sis called and then passed it to me. left me alone in the room on the phone, said she was going to take a shit. we talked, awkward, she had to go.

the bathroom was unoccupied. sis was downstairs watching survivor finale. she was trying her best. she said she just felt so sorry for her. i know that's a wrong way to feel but i don't know what to say.

how what to do who why what to do.

god..........i let myself think we get so far with our work to stop this, then ANOTHER woman i know gets raped and has to pretend everything's ok and can't face pressing charges because it means she'll have to think about it and feel it and see him. fucking piece of shit clemson rat bastard.

she's so beautiful, i saw her yearbook pictures, she glows, she's wonderful, sis's best friend, close like sisters, sister of sister, confidante, wise girl, she has so much to offer and some prick slides into her life, a friend of a friend, and now they will treat her weird and pull away and she will have to go through so much to stay strong. wouldn't wish it on my worst fucking enemy.

maybe we should start a fucking tally on our own hearts. maybe then we would figure out what to do.

one thing is certain---she is wonderful, beautiful, upset, angry, scared, talented, sweet, girl energy, timidity just waking up, power waiting to crack, a great woman growing, 18 years old and this isn't going to fucking stop her.

that's for goddamn sure, and if all i can do is let her know it, then that's what me and sis will do.

maybe one of my fucking rallies will do it this time. it's real, katie, it's real. it's for real this time. use your powers, get a grip, and make things come together like you know you can do. do what's right. it's for fucking real.