anyway, today was a funny day. i woke up way too late in search of fire-stoking martin luther king activities, and wanted to head downtown to that church and see what was going on, not necessarily in commemoration of one particular induvidual, but to breathe in my community, uhh, communing. and to hear some unparalleled gospel stuff. anyway, i'm a bummy lazyass motherfucker and i slept too late...packed in the car with 4 others, pulling up in front of the vance phallus only to see a truck being loaded with parade barrier thingies.

i have homework due tomorrow for a class at 8am from a book i have not yet purchased with a professor who doesn't sympathize with disorganization or lack of preparation. so i'm slightly terrified. but i need to chill out.

ran some errands with thummer today. got her new thell phone digits. i don't know how to be/feel/act. she's movin to nueva york in like, a few days. she starts work on saturday, i mean goddamn. girl's got a trek ahead of her. i don't feel bad, i'll miss her but i'm excited for her.

lately i feel so withdrawn, like i refuse to reach out of this shell, like i have an inkling of how to do it, but not the guts maybe?

she wants to go up to the parkway tomorrow night. i'm worried about not being able to handle another situation in which either i feel like i just have to give out reassurance when i myself feel like a goddamn basket of tacks, or that the point will come and i won't know how to pretend i can do it anymore, or worse, just sigh on and not say anything again. i mean, what timing is worse to hash some shit out than right before your friend leaves. it's not my style, it's messy, icky, hard, expels facial body fluids...but leaving has never stopped her before and i just don't know how things will be real if we don't do this while we can. lord help me...ugggh. i guess please help me have the courage to do that for once, and to hold my ground enough to be able to tough it out and be clear through the challenges.

i mean, i think some parts of my constitution have chagned in that i maybe have realized that it really, really DOESN'T help a tough situation to sit on the problem because it will mess with someone's big lfie changes. we're here now, and things that exist for us now need to be worked through now.

so, let me try resolving in brief how i feel, since i should try and lay down soon to make it to my 8 o'clock even though i won't be able to fucking sleep goddamnit. anyway, i'll make a start and maybe finish later. i feel like i have been allowing summer to dump her emotions on me, to press me for comfort, and to not give me enough back in return. now, i think some of this may stem from the fact that i cannot handle emotionally many of the things i coudl normally. and maybe it means that now i have the insight to know that i shoulnd't have to do that all the tiem, regardless of whether or not i'm grieving. now, i think it also means that i may not have had teh energy to start a conflict, which is very likely, over this because fighting takes SO much out of me. it's not in my nature unless i think it's a justice issue, and now that i'm thinking about THAT i believe i see a glimmer of something else.....maybe i don't/haven't had enough self-esteem to fight and ask for things for myself. maybe unconsciously i didn't think i was worth it. hmmm.

anyway, i am going to work on this more tomorrow. maybe it will help me be a better listener. i'm also afraid that when i get angry about people not helping me out, it's because i'm expecting them to be psychic, i'm not telling them what i need, i'm not asking for help because i'm proud or would rather suffer because i don't think i'm worth healing. maybe most of all i'm afraid that i'll say these things and then realize that i'm so self-centered, expecting people to help me, and see that i haven't been doing things right, haven't been giving enough love, all this withdrawal has been a stupid mistake, etc. that i get angry at people for not helping ME and pulling ME out of stuff and sticking their stuff out to help.

godhow can i end this on a positive note? oh! i'm back in touch with d-rock daniel! i love that guy! i love his openness, sincerity, joy in writing. it's awesome.

anyway, jesus gawd. "goodnight", although check-out time will probably be fucking hours from now.