"know what the puzzle makes me do, jana?" "sometimes when i put it together, it takes hold of me and i start to create a picture that isn't supposed to be there just maniacally clicking pieces together click, click, click so calmly"

i had 2 seriously fucked up dreams last night. the first was a nightmare that's very hard to explain involving being chased up winding stairs and through doors by an army of chess piece-like lewis carroll-looking creatures and i just had to get to the last door and shut it but i only got to the 2nd to last and they came in and suddenly me and whoever i was with were at the mercy of these beings. they morphed into a few people, one being this boy i have a crush on who was raping me and cutting me in between my toes. at first i protested, then i grew to enjoy it little by little. the same thing was happening to my companions. int he 2nd dream, among other things, i was being raped by a crackhead in a swanky apartment building hallway where celebrities lived and were having sex and giving birth and i wasn't supposed to be there. these strange violating sexual dreams where i am being forced into something and then start to like it are really beginning to disturb me. My dad appeared in a dream not long ago, for the first time i think, but i don't remember anything about what was going on. i also had deja vu this morning from a long ago dream i had forgotten.

i fear not graduating, or perhaps rather i fear all the work i know i have to do. ugggh. my senior research, this presentation, the stats class makeup, my women's studies paper, presentation of research, epec stuff, memorial stuff, wail stuff, money woes, ugggh.

new orleans was good. a play by play i will put in the next entry even though that's like goign backwards in time.

i have been driking waaaaaaaay too much lately, and not even getting into enough adventures or trouble for it to matter.

saw f word film festival and linzey's performance piece iteration this weekend, and got several hundred petition signatures for DREAM act, anti CLEAR act, anti patriot acts 1 and 2, and paper trail for voting machines all at the peace rally yesterday. made more diabolical plans for vaginasaurus. hatched crazy puzzlepoem plans.

oh yeah. maru is worm food. maru got hit by a car while i was in new orleans and now she's wrapped in a towel in a plastic covered box underground in our backyard. we had a memorial service by wearing black hoodies, saying words of love for maru, blowing bubbles and taking turns shoveling the dirt in.

d-rock said he would give me some catnip to plant on her grave. i told my mom and i don't think she could handle it, she got really short with me and hung up soon after we talked. i have no money.

dead dead dead, my best friend is dead.

dead-d-d-dead-dead, dead-dead. maru is worm food. god i miss maru.

dead dead dead, my best friend is dead.