hmmm. i haven't written in so long. the beauty of a constantly procrastinative life is that you have as much tiem as you choose to think you have. for instance, i have about a million things i need to be doing/have done, but am obviously working on none of them, and actively choosing that option. therefore, by not striking out i have an unlimited, cloudy and amorphous amount of nontime to do them. it's weird when the consequences aren't immediate and tangible. am i really so immature and childlike that i need fear of tangible and unpleasant consequences to spur me forward. you bet, cowboy.
this friday's the vegan potluck pool party at kelly's. finally i get to meet a crowd of non-shavers, non critter product eaters, and fellow sexual ID fringe-dwellers. hooray! also, i have been named jump-or-dive captain and cannonball judge.
um, so this summer i spent in class (making my 2 classes WAY more of an important part of my life than they should have been...so weird to have the "undergraduate experience" when i've been out of it for only a little while. lots of "um, i had to fill an elective and i don't know what i'm doing with my life, probably i'll major in psychology or whatever, i just wanna fuckin GRADuate maaaaan". the only difference between them and me.....i don't know what i'm doing either or what i SHOULD be doing, but in the meantime i'm working for the man and the people all at once.
what else? oh, i bummed around a lot, thinking somehow that idleness over an extended period of time would balance out the "12 months of work in 9 months" crazed schedule of teaching. it of course doesn't, what assinine thinking. THEEEEEEEEEEN i traveled to belize, met up with ali and sarah and did a 3 week trek through parts of belize, southern and eastern guatemala, and yucatan mexico. when i say trekked i mean TREKKED, in that we were zooming along most of the time and not staying very long. it was so eye-opening, i have never seen anything like it. i'll give it its own entry eventually, maybe attempt to finish out the journal eagerness i started on the trip. yeah, probably when i finish sending the postcards i mean to. felt some magic in the highlands, some benevolent spirit communication with my dad. not delusion, definitely at several points feelings unlike any that i had ever felt before or thought i could feel.
i'm going to turn 24 in a couple of weeks. not really so pumped by the passage of time, change, etc. i'm never so crazy about my birthday but somehow feel that everyone should be psychic adn treat me like a queen. i think it's an overindulged 5-year-old complex. i'm from new orleans, we do birthdays big there, what can i say. for the past few years i've watned to just do something significant by myself. like at 21 i went up to skinny dip falls and baptized myself nekkid in the freezing rushy streamwater. at 22, well that was just a wack year because of dad, but a fun party. 23, what did i do? oh, i went to NYC and visited summer, rode acrosst he brooklyn bridge. 24, i want to go to mt. rogers by myself for a couple of nights. got to break that to mom. oh and by the way, ma, i also want ot move out. lord almighty, that'll be a fun conversation.
um, oh the conversation this afternoon. leigh came home yeaterday to get a dose of home vibes and family golden moments. i know that she was all distressed, and totally understand that when you need those feelings you just need them and home is the only place to get them. mom said...we all just try to keep going like "good little soldiers," and grief affects us in ways that we can't forsee and often dont' understand. i've felt for so long that i'm gripped by a bitterness, that my heart is tight and afraid, that my insides are gray. i haven't been my happiest in a long time. on the trip i felt deeply and was veklempt at several points. that was the dad-energy spirit being communication. it was a good, strawberry pink warm red sadness, but now i think i'm fading back to this gray. gray indifference faintly masking the tightness and fear. how am i going ot let go of it, i need to let go of it. i think once i'm able to, once i do, my thoughts won't stray as easily to the horribly sad, to the almost-too-much-to-take, to the moment on the phone, my stomach will stop the sinking feelings. i want to be my laughing beautiful self, unafraid of exploring the world, filled with light and building things and trying ideas, connecting with people and making a rea difference and loving others adn free of these chips on my shoulder, able to let go of all my unhealthy fixations. i just don't know how to do it. i keep feeling like leaving home is a step int he right directoin, not that being here is bad at all. but something about it gives me a feeling of constant repression and worry aobut my mom. i don't know why ebing somewhere else woudl help me not feel that way, but i think it might. i will talk to her about it tomorrow. i don't want to be far, i just want my own space, my own time to try being alone. will i be horribly lonely? so be it.
god. new orleans. that also needs its own entry. that's got a gray, deep ache of its own.
love,
tk backwards is kt
