i went to a wedding last night. it was someone from high school, and i wasn't technocally invited although i know him, he's more of an acquaintance but i went as someone's date. had a good night-lit people time, weaving through the gussied-up people, hip-swiveling to squeeze past them barefoot in the cool night with a glass in my hand. hung with kimmo, connected about as much as we're able to at this point. it's funny how you can connect so well with people while other stuff is going on-like, having a softly spoken heart to heart during a series of semi-drunken toasts at a table full of 12 other people. i wore a green dress i had to spend all afternoon shopping for because apparently i never got that memo about not being able to wear black to a wedding. is that a southern thing or a propriety thing? then i came home and mom made one of those snippy little comments that shattered the fragile rest of my nervous energy-encased positive self-image, something like "did you try this on? this isn't going to fit you well" right after i showed it to her, aka "why do you even try, your fat ass is going to look horrible in that." then the nervous clumsiness manifested itself in my squeezing gas all over my driver's seat (not worth a long explanation), being late, generally not beign in control of my shit. anyway, pretty wedding.
leigh was home, it was ok. i bought her tampons which was weird.
the day of my birth celebrations were okay. i spent too much energy worrying about if everyone was going to get along or what, ate chocolate cake, roller skated in a death-defying rink full of hip-hopping little kids and big zoomy fast boys doing smooth tricks, mean old ladies shouting with crackly voices "slow down!" "pull your pants up!" etc. then overcrowded bardrinking and not enough dancing. it was great for folks to come out, but i just felt like they had their own agenda half the time, when obviously it should be about ME (as always, ha). i mean, i don't intend to sound self-centered, but it is too much to ask for people to spend one full evening in my company maybe doing something they wouldn't normally do themselves because they love me? it must be, since only one individual thought that this was not too much to ask. i know some people weren't born to be good sports, but jesus christ suck it up, or stop being such a priss, or realize that although you may be falling in love, this is not just any event that you can skip out on. is that what it's like when you're in love? has it been so long that i've forgotten what it's like to be in love? but if i recall, that was one of the things i hated about being in love, that your world can so easily get consumed by your loved one. is that what it's about, that another person is the most important thing in your life? ideally we can create our own definitions of what love is to us, but is that at least the premise on which most people's love is founded? on the OTHER hand, seeing kevin on roller skates doing the percolator is burned into my memory forEVER, haaaaaaahahahha, along with the feeling of weight-changing swinging hand-holding with sweet meredith, rolling with the air rushing past our girl faces with no words spoken, only laughing and zoomy joy. and deir on the sidelines, flirting with the skate rental guy and laughing her ass off at us on wheels.
TO BE to-do list for kt:
*"grow a pair," as emily says, and use the powers they give you
*harden my spine, not my heart
*start small with the discipline habits and work your way up
*do something one day that you always back down from cause you're scared, like asking the cute boy to dance, and don't feel like it's a big deal if it doesn't work out cause it's not (and if you think it is you're psycho)
*sleep outside SOON
*use the powers of the spine-SPEAK UP! it takes practice to get good at it. reflection in the head-style is not always the first step: sometimes it's just got to come out when you get that tummy feeling no matter how much your brain tells you to stifle it. if your brain screams at you to stifle it, it's probably best to disobey that. it is probably meant to come out.
*be selective about your words-i don't mean edit or stifle, i mean make sure that what you say is what you mean, the first time. develop that courage.
i know i'm courageous in my own way, and i know i'm good to people, adn i try to be kind to the world as an inhabitant. but i don't think that means being easy on the world. i don't think that means sacrificing myself for the sake of the world. what's that candle saying, you don't help another encender (can't think of the word in english) their light by dimming your own.
lord almighty. i need some way for these thoughts to never be forgotten during the million and one things i have to do in the crazy weeklife. they get so jumbled and lost, or else i miss an opportunity because i don't recognize it, or i back down from it when i do.
HERE HERE! HERE'S TO SPINES! HIP HIP, HOoRAY x 3!
peace
p.s. MAIL STUFF THAT NEEDS TO BE MAILED, KT! THIS MEANS BILLS TOO!
