i just read the annual report for unca. i am feeling...inadequate, lazy, ineffectual, wishing for another chance to do it better. but there's really no point in going back to the past to fix something that wasn't as big a deal as i'm making it. i feel like i'm not a groundbreaker, and i want to be one. i want to make more of a difference. what am i doing? it's not healthy to compare yourself to others, there's this girl scarlett who was in my classes who is apparently in ethiopia doing research and gathering data in interviews (through her fulbright scholarship, no less) . i wonder about professors, and whether they pick a top performer, grooming them for this kind of thing. lots of support for the best and the brightest, helping them on their path to excel in that type of environment. maybe they can tell who is ready, although while i am vain and narcissistic and always think i deserve more than i earn, i didn't feel as recognized as i should have been for what i did. but maybe that's because i wasn't effective.
she always shined in class, was prepared and into discussions, leading questions and had intelligent, prepared things to say. i would arrive at the same class disheveled as usual, not having read anything and anxious/callada as a result. not much has changed, right, except now i'm at the front of the class... what is wrong with me on that front?
anyway, i think about how this girl, who was actually not only smart but beautiful and really nice and helpful (she got me out of a serious jam once), and also always on this council or that one, getting this research award or that acheivement award. but i'm sure she isn't perfect either, she has her insecurities and shortcomings. actually this sounds pretty reflective of some infrequent entry i made in high school, "delia is so pretty and smart and everybody loves her, it isn't fair that i'm not as great blah blah blah" etc. wow, not much has chagned at all. maybe we all have these little regressionaryso i think about the paths we're on and how our choices get us there. i kind of am a slacker unless it's shooting for attention or recognition, so maybe i'm on slacker path. i've done some hard stuff, but i don't always know why i did it. i'm here in nc, in a public school with kids day after day, teaching, and this girl is doing something i never even would have imagined for myself except in my dreams. i have always gravitated to the more practical although i did love researching like that. it contributes in another way, she's like studying whether there is a separate african feminism from western feminism, etc.
but to wrap it up so it's all about me, KATIE GET A GRIP. what you're doing is worthwhile, it's a great as you make it. if you have aspirations for something more highly recognized, figure something out that does the most good possible. it's easy to forget i'm not tied into this fate, position, even though it seems sometimes like i should/will be sticking with it forever. maybe an administrator, maybe doing research on education and studying how it affects children. that would be cool.
more on this later, when i can focus adn dream of what it is i want to do.
i want to live in my own little house. my own place, that woudl be great.
peace out. it's good to get things out, thanks for being a repository, ha.
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