god, i'm so down about work. why don't i quit it and move to nyc and do something crazy fun for my job, at least something that doesn't haunt my every waking moment. i'll dye my hair pink, become a dyke and play music, doing aids education or sex ed instead of this bull that i don't know is helping or not.
is this feeling ever going to end? i always feel like a guilty perosn being caught for not doing something i should be, or for not knowing something i should. i feel exhausted and lazy all at the same time, overdetail oriented and superdisorganized at the same time. i have no personal life, or at least it sucks. i have no love in my life. summer called today wanting to talk about problems with her boyfriend, and i just had so little to give, god, i wanted anything but to be having to come up with something to say. i mean i listened, but i didnt' want to hear it. friends are for listening, but why do i always have to listen to people's relationship bullshit? shouldn't that be reserved for other people who have relationship problems and can relate?
i just don't know where is the best place to begin, it's like a hydra with so many heads. school is. and i thought this online thing might solve some problems, get something going, but so far it has creepies, loser guys who don't write back ever, guys who write me to tell me they're gonna try and date some other chick, guys who seem great but NEVER write back, guys who live a thousand miles away. none seem crazy enough, but of course that doesn't say enough about kt does it? if no one is ever good enough, then you don't have to risk anything.
ugggh. i thought bitching would help me feel better, but it's just dredging up things that'll keep even my narcoleptic ass from sleeping.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH! i won't, but i just feel like fucking quitting, to move to australia and never coming back, starting over again as somebody crazy and totally different. i'm somewhere i never thought i'd be, doing things i never thought i'd do that i'm not that awesome at, never really accomplishing anything and splashing around faking my abilities while ignoring my real ones. i want my own house. i'm selfish but i want to live by myself, i just want out goddamit!
